I don’t feel it often but when it comes, the feeling is undeniable. It is this deep nervousness inside of me. In the pit of my stomach, inside my core, this feeling that tries to tell me, that makes me feel, that it won’t be alright. Things will not work themselves out. The downward spiral will not curve back up. I feel that and it increases the pressure and the weight of anxiety until my thoughts are filled with my past mistakes, past failures and how nothing is different now, you have not changed, and that my future will also be filled with the same actions.
I’m glad I don’t get it often. Some people have to live with this feeling every day and I can’t even imagine how to deal with that. No wonder there is an increasing demand for prescription drugs or that getting drunk is a past time for people or that psychiatrists never go out of business. I don’t know how to deal with crippling anxiety but the small dosage I get, I believe I know where it comes from.
A few days slip by where I do not do what I am supposed to do, what I know I should be doing and that’s when I feel it. Its as if my body is telling me, reminding me that I am messing up. That I am not being the person I want to be. The feeling is almost a warning signal, flashing yellow sign accompanied by a loud horn, telling me that I am getting to close to the edge and that I should turn around and get back to the path. Or at least this is how I perceive it to be. My perception is strengthened by the fact that when I do act in a meaningful manner, the feeling goes away. Also, when I have productive days, from morning till night, that feeling never comes.
To some people that feeling is a motivator and I can see that in some way. For me its a reminder. For others, however, it is damaging, unrelenting, never ceasing force that crushes them. That’s another perspective. Things are not as bad as they could. They can get worse. If you do not act, things will get worse. Perhaps then so will my anxiety.
The small dosage is enough for me. I don’t want more. The cure, for now, seems to be action. So action is what I should do.